Yesterday, I wrote an entry where I mentioned leaving my heartaches in Tagaytay. As I was writing it, I realized I was lying to myself. There’s one heartache in particular (one which will remain unexplained for now) that I just couldn’t let go. Why? Because I’m not ready. I was forcing myself to accept my situation and move on. But I’m not ready–forcing myself is causing me even greater heartache. I actually cried on the first day of the year.

I’m experiencing a conflict of mind and heart. My mind knows what I must do…accept my situation and adjust course accordingly. However, my heart recognizes that there is hope-a minute possibility. Over the past three months I’ve tried to get my heart to cede to my mind’s logic. It just wasn’t working…so I thought I could “decide” it away (say goodbye to it and leave it in Tagaytay.) I was wrong. Decisions are best done with a full heart and a full mind… I was impatient, I just wanted to get it over and done with. I wanted my misery to end.

I’ve always valued people who have a ‘sense of urgency’ – that inner compunction for things to be quick whether it’s in moving from one spot to another or completing a certain task or assignment. But life isn’t like that…you can’t force things to happen even with just yourself.

I’ve been on overdrive for the past twelve years… rushing from one place to another, rushing on one task so I can complete another just as fast. I’ve been dealing with personal issues in the same way…asking myself ‘what’s the fastest way to get through this?’ In the past my answer was to lock it away in some recess of my mind and forget about it (so to speak). But that doesn’t work. It didn’t in the past… dealing with those locked away issues has been what 2010 was all about and I’m not even done with dealing with those yet.

Naturally, it wouldn’t work this time. I didn’t know it yesterday but I do know it today.  So I accept that I can’t rush myself. I recognize that I have to take time and be patient with myself. The time will come when both my heart and mind will come to terms. I trust myself that when that time comes, I will make good decisions.