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I'm Not Ready... It's OK to Take My Time

Yesterday, I wrote an entry where I mentioned leaving my heartaches in Tagaytay. As I was writing it, I realized I was lying to myself. There’s one heartache in particular (one which will remain unexplained for now) that I just couldn’t let go. Why? Because I’m not ready. I was forcing myself to accept my situation and move on. But I’m not ready–forcing myself is causing me even greater heartache. I actually cried on the first day of the year.

I’m experiencing a conflict of mind and heart. My mind knows what I must do…accept my situation and adjust course accordingly. However, my heart recognizes that there is hope-a minute possibility. Over the past three months I’ve tried to get my heart to cede to my mind’s logic. It just wasn’t working…so I thought I could “decide” it away (say goodbye to it and leave it in Tagaytay.) I was wrong. Decisions are best done with a full heart and a full mind… I was impatient, I just wanted to get it over and done with. I wanted my misery to end.

I’ve always valued people who have a ‘sense of urgency’ – that inner compunction for things to be quick whether it’s in moving from one spot to another or completing a certain task or assignment. But life isn’t like that…you can’t force things to happen even with just yourself.

I’ve been on overdrive for the past twelve years… rushing from one place to another, rushing on one task so I can complete another just as fast. I’ve been dealing with personal issues in the same way…asking myself ‘what’s the fastest way to get through this?’ In the past my answer was to lock it away in some recess of my mind and forget about it (so to speak). But that doesn’t work. It didn’t in the past… dealing with those locked away issues has been what 2010 was all about and I’m not even done with dealing with those yet.

Naturally, it wouldn’t work this time. I didn’t know it yesterday but I do know it today.  So I accept that I can’t rush myself. I recognize that I have to take time and be patient with myself. The time will come when both my heart and mind will come to terms. I trust myself that when that time comes, I will make good decisions.


January 10, 2011 | 11:42 AM Comments  0 comments



Breaking Traditions

Originally posted on Wisdom of a 20-Something

I love traditions…especially during the holidays. Traditions provide a sense of constancy year in and year out. It’s predictability is comforting. In the Philippines, media noche is a big family tradition. In our home that means spending time with my family, wearing polka-dotted clothes, gorging on a plethora of food, watching the neighbor’s fireworks, cringing at the inevitable ‘boom’ of firecrackers and jumping up and down when the clock strikes 12mn.

But this New Year’s Eve, the thought of keeping tradition felt heavy…an unwelcome obligation. I knew that I wanted to do something different, something really different and fun. If I kept tradition, I knew I wouldn’t be doing it with joy and I’d just feel frustrated throughout the celebration (and well my family would know and react in frustration as well).

I partnered up with a girlfriend who felt the same way and we sought to end 2010 with fun and start 2011 with a bang! We decided to forego our usual media noche with our families in exchange of a day and night of breaking tradition.

Joined by a couple more friends, we went to Tagaytay. We had a sumptuous and laughter filled lunch (bulalo, crispy pata, and the like) followed by a ride (or two) on the zip line (my first ever zip line ride. It wasn’t as scary as I imagined it would be. Then again I had my best friend with me. My heart would have probably skipped a beat if he wasn’t.)

That evening, my girlfriend and I dolled up and headed to a New Year’s Eve after party (or two) and danced the night away until the sunrise with random strangers.  Along with a new friend, we waited for a coffee shop to open up, had a bite to eat and then proceeded home. We were celebrating from 8am Dec. 31, 2010 until 11am Jan. 1, 2011. It was a hell of a day, night, dawn. As I write this (3pm), my girlfriend’s probably fast asleep.

Breaking tradition this New Year’s eve wasn’t just about having fun. Every New Year represents an opportunity to start fresh, to reinvent oneself. Logically though, one could reinvent himself whenever he wants to, New Year or not. I decided to reinvent myself with the help of the momentum of a New Year.

Over the years we have lived, we make decisions and live by them becoming who we are today. There are past decisions I am proud of and others that I am less proud of. But there are none that I regret (even the ones that are clearly ‘mistakes’) for they have brought me to where and who I am today. While I am comfortable with who I am presently, it does not mean who I am now is who I want to be tomorrow. Ultimately this is the ‘tradition’ I am breaking.

This 2011 I decided two things. First I decided I would leave the heartaches of 2010 in 2010. The year was filled with so many challenges-struggles, tears, frustration and pain in all the aspects of my life work, self, spirituality, love, friendship, family… I’ve definitely grown leaps and bounds this 2010 but there are loose ends. I needed to put closure to some things and the symbolic act of leaving things it Tagaytay was an opportunity to do that.

Second, I decided that I would enjoy life more this 2011 (which for me translates to planning less and being more spontaneous). There are two aspects to this. First, I am committing to doing more things for enjoyment’s sake (as opposed to finding enjoyment in the things I must or have to do.) I’m looking forward to spending time with friends, reading good books, watching TV and movies, good food, fantastic music, travel — good memories. Second, is to continue under scheduling. At the OneCore Christmas dinner last Dec. 2011, I committed to ‘under scheduling’ everyday. Under scheduling is basically leaving time everyday for just doing whatever comes to mind-being spontaneous. It’s given me wonderful memories so far, so I’m continuing with it this year.

This 2011, I’m starting a new tradition…a life better lived.


January 1, 2011 | 11:35 AM Comments  0 comments



My Education
Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

Prior to coming to the Ateneo, I studied at the Assumption College in Makati from kindergarten all the way to fourth year high school. Throughout my life, I have been under the formation of good teachers, curriculum, programs, etc. The accumulation of such formation (as well as the lack of it) has resulted in the me that I am today.
My experience is limited to Catholic institutions but I do not think it would be unwarranted to claim that all schools are formative. Echoing Foucault, schools, like prisons are disciplinary institutions which operate to constitute identity. Obvious parallels can be drawn on the constitution of the school and the prison in terms of observation, scheduling, calculability… Teachers are chosen and retained because they provide essential formative experiences to students with the goal of producing individuals according to a specific set of ideals, morals, identities. Everything from the subject matter to the students’ uniforms is designed towards that end. Everything is a mechanism for formation (for conditioning).

In the schools I have attended the goal of formation is to constitute the individual as a believer-a follower of Christ or a child of God – and as such to be a force of change in the world (so as to make real on Earth the Kingdom of God). I believe that I have striven towards realizing to some extent such an identity. As a president of the Ateneo Glee Club, I found myself executing mechanisms of disciplinarity: the use of schedules, uniforms, observations, examinations, and the like. All the while I knew why I was doing this. It was because the organization had an idea of the perfect organization member to which everyone was compared with. On my part as president, the school also drilled in me an idea of a good organization. As a result all the actions of my organization was directed at realizing that identity.

It is only now, after my term as president that I realize and regret that I was an unwitting took part in the system of formation. It is not as if the goals were not good, it was-the ideal Ateneo Glee Club member is a good identity to work toward. What I am uneasy about is the fact that I was so embedded in the system that I did not even bother to stop and ask myself if this is a good thing or not. That moment of hesitation matters because it signifies that I am empowered to choose, that I am free to choose.

We can argue that one always has a choice and this is a fact. However it is also a fact that being embedded in these social systems which create us, so are our choices also embedded. When faced with decisions, we make them instantly because we have been programmed to choose in that manner. Of course such programming is functional, making life more efficient. Without it we might spend a day trying to decide whether it is appropriate to have ice cream as an entrée or dessert. The danger is getting trapped in the comfort of the system which made us into what we are. Reality is many of us are trapped by our own comfort. We do not want to entertain the uneasiness that silently nudges us.

As president of the Ateneo Glee Club, I found myself doing the job of an operations manager-someone who ensured that the systems were functioning as it should be. This is off the mark from what I have been constituted by the Assumption and Ateneo. Supposedly, I am a force of change in the world, and I am a person in a position of leadership which can improve the lives of many. I actually took that identity to heart but found that in application I perpetuated the systems.

I am on my last semester of college and it is now that I find myself very skeptical of everything that I have unwittingly allowed to constitute me over the years of study. I highlight the phrase unwittingly allowed because although it was always chosen, its inevitability did not make it seem like a choice and thus something to refuse. After being constructed, I find myself deconstructing my reality and seeking the sense of each component as I reconstruct myself again.

In last Tuesday’s class, a point was made about empowerment being something always in the aftermath. I find myself in the aftermath uneasy but empowered. Its as if I have learned all the rules and now am transforming, breaking, bending, crafting them accordingly. It is a terrifying prospect because truthfully I could coast along comfortably. However, to not take advantage of this empowerment is to be stuck in an illusion that I already am what the system has designed me to be which I too have accepted. It is to say that there is nothing more beyond what is. In that case the system, the mechanism will never reach its nexus, it shall always fall short of its goals. It was also mentioned in class that systems are designed to self-destruct. It is the empowerment which allows that to happen. Throughout human history we find that it is innovators, empowered leaders that produce new ideas, inventions and realities. These are the people that are able to transform what is into what can and will be.

Jean Piaget says, “the principal goal of education is to create men who are capable of doing new things, not simply of repeating what other generations have done.” To be able to do that one must be empowered. Truly the challenge of an individual pursuing an education is to reach that stage of empowerment. Because there are so many that don’t get empowered, many educated people (those who are empowered) have been heard to utter clever quips critiquing education (see attached sheet of quotations about education). It is these people that are often the successful ones in their field. While I highly doubt that they would rather that they did not have an education at all, I surmise that their statements are rooted in their malaise for the education they received: because it boxed them in until they found their way out. The key therefore is to find your way out.

My opinion on education is that in any of its form and along with its disciplinary systems, education is vital because it structures our free form world and makes it easier for us to constitute ourselves. This is especially valuable in our younger years when our consciousness is simplistic. Education at the onset is a means of developing and training our consciousness according to the norms of society. At the same time, education puts ideas into our minds-nagging at our curiosity making us unsettled. It is in indulging in our unsettlement that we discover what is new and begin to participate in the adventure of life.

Education is a progressive discovery of our ignorance.
Will Durant (1885-1981)

Education … has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinguish what is worth reading.
G. M. Trevelyan (1876-1962)

They say that we are better educated than our parents' generation. What they mean is that we go to school longer. They are not the same thing.
Douglas Yates

Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made stupid by education.
Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

You can lade a man up to th' university, but ye can't make him think.
Finley Peter Dunne

Real education must ultimately be limited to men who insist on knowing–the rest is mere sheep-herding.
Ezra Loomis Pound (1885-1972)

Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
Prof. Irwin Edman

Education is what remains when we have forgotten all that we have been taught.
George Savile (1633-1695)

[Education] consists mainly in what we have unlearned.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)

No man who worships education has got the best out of education... Without a gentle contempt for education no man's education is complete.
G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

Colleges are places where pebbles are polished and diamonds are dimmed.
Robert G. Ingersoll, Abraham Lincoln.

Perhaps the most valuable result of all education is the ability to make yourself do the thing you have to do, when it ought to be done, whether you like it or not; it is the first lesson that ought to be learned; and however early a man's training begins, it is probably the last lesson that he learns thoroughly.
Thomas Henry Huxley (1825-95)

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)

[Education is] A form of self-delusion.
Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)

In England … education produces no effect whatsoever. If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes, and would probably lead to acts of violence in Grosvenor Square.
Oscar Wilde (1856-1900)

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
Oscar Wilde (1856-1900)

Nothing in education is so astonishing as the amount of ignorance it accumulates in the form of inert facts.
Henry Brooks Adams (1828-1918)

[Education is] One of the chief obstacles to intelligence and freedom of thought.
Bertrand A. Russell (1872-1970)

One must search diligently to find laudatory comments on education (other than those pious platitudes which are fodder for commencement speeches). It appears that most persons who have achieved fame and success in the world of ideas are cynical about formal education. These people are a select few, who often achieved success in spite of their education, or even without it. As has been said, the clever largely educate themselves, those less able aren't sufficiently clever or imaginative to benefit much from education.
Edward Gibbon (1737-1794)

Essay submitted to Fr. Luis David July 2008

December 3, 2008 | 12:25 AM Comments  0 comments



Possibility... Reality.. Hope.
Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic



“God and the devil. These things either exist or they do not exist. Are we all alone in this life or are we not alone? Either thought is astonishing. Do I really believe that this tragedy is the work of the devil? To be honest, I don’t know. But I cannot deny that it’s possible.”
- Erin Bruner’s Closing Statement, The Exorcism of Emily Rose

I think therefore I am. For Descartes, it was not a possibility that he existed. It was real. However the reverse: I think… does not mean I am, can also be argued. I may just happen to be a character in a writer’s novel. My reality may also just be an extended dream I have yet to wake up from. I could also be a figment of someone else’s imagination. “I” am possibly something else than what I think I am. The same goes for God and the devil. Over the course of the semester, we’ve gone through discussions on the existence and essence of God and we have delved into the various problematic arising from it: Does God exist? It’s possible. Does the devil exist? It’s possible. Are these two beings equally powerful? It’s possible. Is it possible that these are actually not two beings but only one? It’s possible. Do angels and demons exist to assist God and the devil respectively? It’s possible. Do these beings really interact with humans in a direct way, such as possession or visions? It’s possible. Do we experience bad things because of the devil and his work? It’s possible. Do we experience both the good and the bad by God’s leave? It’s possible. Will good will triumph in the end? It’s possible. Maybe we’ve got everything right? It’s possible. But maybe we’ve got everything-our conceptions of God’s existence and nature and the devil’s evilness wrong as well. It’s possible. The one thing we can be certain in is that we do not know for sure. The truth is we don’t know. We think it is possible. We hope it is possible.

Uncertainty however doesn’t sit well with man. We naturally desire to know…to explain, to bring that which is outside into ourselves. We do so by making sense of the world. In the recent centuries we have been seeking rational and logical explanations to everything. In the film, we saw how two perspectives: a scientific-medical and a religious-spiritual shed light on one event. Both are possible explanations. In high school Christian Living class, I was taught that miracles follow the laws of nature. We were discussing the Seven Plagues from the Old Testament. A scientific and rational explanation was given for each. For the River Nile turning into blood, it was because above the mouth of the river is a mountain with mineral rich red soil. It rained and washed down to the river making it red and killing the living creatures in it. It is miraculous in that the timing was perfect. The conclusion from that lesson was that God works with nature in all he does. So is it not possible that the devil too, works with what is ‘natural’ in our world-epilepsy and psychosis-to further his end? But this argument is in itself an appropriation of the external unto the self. It can also be said that such explanations trivialize the majesty of God’s miracles or minimize the entrenchment of the world in evil. Apparently the rational approach can be used to make sound arguments both towards possibility and impossibility. Maybe our constant insistence on rationality and logic leaves us impaired and unable to recognize the truths born from non-rational and non-logical means. It’s possible.

This understanding of what is reality, whether it is borne from rational or non-rational means is essential. Our conceptions of the spiritual directly relate to our conceptions on existence. If these are not accurate then what is the real story of reality? So far, everything we have discussed both helps entrench our conceptions of God and leaves room for doubt and uncertainty. All rational arguments for the existence and agency of God rest on an a priori statement: God is good – loving and benevolent. This is true at least for the Christian perspective. Without this a priori notion the whole argument would not hold. There is no way to be rationally certain that the a priori definition of God is correct. This is so because the Numinous is Mysterium, in that sense so is the devil. In fact we are so uncertain that in juxtaposing the devil and God, a glance at the characteristics of the Numinous could in fact be that of the devil as well. Although the experience is supposedly negative, the devil is also awful, overpowering, tremor-causing, etc. I’m sure R. Otto would have a discussion which refutes this train of thought, but truly who’s to say it isn’t possible.

But maybe we should look at Otto and the experience of God and the devil in a non-rational way. Otto talks about ‘creature-feeling.’ Maybe this is the way to go. Somehow it is known that there is a being outside of ourselves whose very essence is beyond our own and whose existence cannot be appropriated. It makes sense even if it cannot be articulated. This notion of a greater being resonates with our own being. But since we are obsessed with rationality and scientific explanation we have become blind to reality. Maybe reality can only be understood using both rationality and non-rationality. We have constructed our reality to reinforce rationality and to break down non-rationality.
We have romanticized depictions of what is non-rational. In the film, Fr. Richard Moore is found guilty but allowed to walk free. But this outcome was borne from the artistic license of Hollywood. In the true story of Anneliese Michel from which the film is based on, there were four people on trial. Anneliese’s parents, and the two priests who performed the exorcism. All were found guilty and served prison sentences. We have a society that cannot deal with such phenomena except through the suspension of disbelief afforded by literature, films, shows, etc. The only time we consider non-rationality is when it is romanticized and dressed up to be palatable. We don’t like to be disturbed by what we cannot understand at the onset. And since we have been brought up under the dome of rationality understanding is in that way as well.

Just because we can’t grasp it immediately doesn’t mean its not real. When we first learn of atoms in elementary, we can’t see atoms and yet we accept them as real. At least we hope that its real because that is what is being taught to us and because it actually makes sense. For those that eventually become scientists, they might actually have the opportunity to observe the atom as it is. When it comes to spirituality it becomes more complicated, because what we can grasp is often not rational even within the frame of religion (organized, institutionalized, coded). And yet we can argue that given our non-rational understanding of the spiritual, it is possible that we are selectively choosing the parts which are palatable to us and reinforces our conceptions and throw away what is contrary. Do we see what we see because it is confirmation of our own conceptions or do we see what is actually there to see?

It appears that as society progresses, people loose their sensitivity to the non-rational way of making sense of the world. Before modernity, these miracles and demonic activity were commonly accepted? Did we get tired of the religious explanation for such phenomena that we sought for scientific explanations? Even with scientific explanations who’s to say that it still isn’t spiritual phenomena. Still I think, each one still has the non-rational sense at work – setting us at ease at the presence of God or alerting us at the presence of the devil. Herein lies our hope that amidst the false certainty afforded by rationality regarding the spiritual realm, there is still a way to discover the truth. It may take much more work and effort to explore the spaces of possibility even when framed by religion. It is possible that all conceptions are possible? There are so many things in this world that cannot be explained. While ‘just believing’ would save us all the inner anguish, it would not sit well with us? The only recourse is to seek answers to our questions, dismissing nothing? And hoping that the one we subscribe to is that which is true.

References:
Derrickson, Scott. The Exorcism of Emily Rose. Sony Pictures Digital Inc. 2005.
Soh, Andrew K.L. Class Lecture. Philosophy of Religion. Ateneo de Manila University, Quezon City, Philippines. Jun-Sept 2008.


Submitted to Mr. Andrew KL Soh September 2008

December 3, 2008 | 12:21 AM Comments  0 comments

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A Visit To The Ayala Museum
Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

The Crossroads of Civilization Tripartite Exhibit at the Ayala Museum was very interesting and definitely one of a kind. Just a few days before classes begun, I was able to watch part of a documentary by the Probe Team on the gold treasures of the Philippines. Most of the items in the Gold of Ancestors Exhibit were featured there. The exhibit was arranged according to the life theme… birth, life and then death. I was particularly fascinated by two types of objects: the chastity covers and the diadems.

The gold chastity covers were triangular in shape although it was inverted. The top of the triangle had the facility for it to be placed on a string. It had beautiful repousse design. The design was mainly of swirls and circles. Had the item not been identifies as a chastity cover, I would have thought it was the center of an amulet. It was obviously not created or worn to be hidden. What interests me however is that, there is already this concept of protecting chastity in pre-Christian times, and that this value warranted such importance that a gold ornament would be created to announce a woman’s purity. I say this because the chastity cover did not look like it could in fact protect a woman from a man’s misplaced advances. It was more for show or ceremony rather than practical use. It is intriguing to me, who was born at a time where clothes are supposed to protect our modesty that maybe this concept of purity associated with the west may not have been foreign at all. It may have in fact already been present albeit in a different form.

Unlike the chastity covers which were supposedly used by the living, the diadems were ornamentation buried with the dead. Diadems were headbands of sorts. Those in the collection were simple and did not have much repousse detail, Instead the design was of woven gold as in a basket and of bent gold. According to our guide, it depicted the status of the dead person. While I knew our ancestors probably had some sort of head ornamentation, I could not have imagined it to be something crown-like. The diadems on display reminded me of drawings of Queen Guinevere of Camelot normally wearing a diadem. Unfortunately we have nothing to lead us to believe that diadems were used in everyday life. I was still struck by its similarity.

The Embroidered Multiples Exhibit is also part of the Crossroads of Civilization Tripartite Exhibit. The item which caught my attention was the embroidered Chinese silk men’s drawstring trousers called sayasaya on loan from the Netherlands. The trousers shown were dark blue with light blue or white embroidery at the legs hem and at the opening of its pockets. It depicted leaves, flowers and dragons reminiscent of Chinese designs. It wasn’t a very highly constructed piece of clothing in the sense that it is like the modern form fitting men’s pants. This type of clothing is not something I see being sold as traditional Filipino costume in stores. It seems our traditional clothing for men is either the barong paired with slacks or the camisa paired with rolled up pants (suggestive of a farmer’s costume). These silk trousers show that there is a wealth of divergence in traditional Filipino male fashion which will probably never go mainstream.

It is fantastic that the Ayala Museum has continued in its work over the past 50 years. It appears that with the support of various private entities it will continue to do so. The Embroidered Multiples exhibit for example was embarked with support from companies Unilever, Shell and Philips. I am sure that the Ayala Museum has other corporate supporters. Monique Perrot-Lanaud’s article “Heritage: Everyone’s Business” identifies businesses and the individuals behind it as prime movers in the heritage scene. In the Philippines, these same heads of business are the private owners of many heritage pieces. Much of the gold pieces in the Gold of Ancestors collection have been with the family of the now-deceased National Artist and architect Leonardo Locsin who have been waiting for 25 years for the right conditions to unveil this treasure. Half of the items on display in the Embroidered Multiples collection is privately owned by Rina Ortiz. Heritage belongs to everyone, hopefully with the example of these private collectors more will be motivated to share their collections and on the flip side those who appreciate such heritage will be motivated to demand access to heritage which has been kept hidden.


This was a paper for my Cultural Heritage class with Dr. Zialcita submitted last July 2008.

December 3, 2008 | 12:18 AM Comments  0 comments

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